Finding Our Path – Essay By Kiva Rose
We are all born with a capacity and propensity for joy, and except when being actively traumatized, a small child is generally delighted and amazed by the complex and beautiful world that she inhabits. In later years we experience the full range and complexity of the emotional scale, and yet we usually crave a return to a state of contentment or at least happiness whenever we start straying too far away. An infant might be pleased by someone cooing to them, or by a flashy plastic toy. But as adults, our joy depends not on entertainment or accolade, or even on getting the things that we desire… but rather, a deep and residing sense of satisfaction in who we really are, in the why and how of our living. It comes from embodying and understanding our authentic selves, our purpose in life and finding or creating a form, a means, a tradition or practice through which we can best manifest that.It is only once we become capable of seeing, feeling and accepting ourselves, that we can then recognize which ideas, systems, patterns and forms that best help us understand, express and manifest our most gifted beings. That is the conscious human’s first essential quest.
What we ultimately search for is not just community, a sense of belonging, affirmation, validation or love. At the core of the personal life quest lies the deep need to know what truths, ways and alliances that will contribute to our finding and manifesting our true selves, what serves our spirits, and what helps us to best serve the world. An integral part of this process of discernment comes not just from selecting between forms and systems, but also from being able to see what aspects of the traditions or practices we select fail to further our path and purpose… noticing which hold us back by making things too easy, or worse, point us in the wrong direction. We can adopt and adapt those parts of a tradition that work, discarding what clearly doesn’t. The most challenging part of this journey may be when we realize that there is no existing tradition or system for us. When this happens, we need to find the courage to walk our path alone if necessary, and find the practices most integral to our personal growth and fulfillment, instead of compromising our self, needs, knowings or vision.
While the teenaged daughter of a Evangelical Missionary, I sampled every imaginable way of thinking, moved with my family from one state to the next, and never settled into one place or way of being long enough to commit to any one way of being. Then finally, at age twenty-three, I found myself staring up into the wide blue summer skies of New Mexico and into the heart of what would become my path and purpose.
Before me lay seven river crossings into the wilderness Sanctuary that called to me as home. My first steps towards the river were tentative, there were no instructions, no sets of rituals to tell me how to respond or feel. Deep inside, I knew that these steps were definitive. I could feel all the fear and doubt of my past welling up inside me, threatening to send me running back to the familiar comforts of transiency. Instead, I held my breath and ran the distance to the water, slowing just enough not to slip on the wet stones underneath my feet. The mountain water was shockingly cold, bringing me out of the worries and troubles of my head and back into my body. All around me, the rocks of the canyon glittered reds, oranges and blue. I stood with my head back and my mouth open, trying hard to take it all in and knowing at the same time that it was impossible to see, hear, touch and feel all that this place was reaching out to me with.
Stepping for the first time into that water was the initiation I’d hoped for so many years before, a washing away and also a deep filling. By the second crossing, my tears mingled with the river’s water. At the third, where the canyon walls narrowed and the rose colored cliffs rose into view, I knelt on the sand among wildflowers blooming in profuse abandon all around me, the rich burgundy of coneflowers next to the papery white of prickly poppies. What brought me to my knees was not the sense of safety, security or companionship that I’d been seeking in my previous incarnations, but of something deep inside waking up and searching for its voice and expression, and the power and spirit of a purpose and place that called to me so strongly I could feel my body shaking with the intensity of it. The wind sung in high chords across the mountain rock faces above me, a haunting flute-like sound blending with the cool rush of the river and the eagle that suddenly screamed above my head.
Animá: Finding Or Creating Our Own Path
I was being called not just to listen, participate or agree, but to heal enough to understand and accept my role as a teacher, as a protector of this special place and a guide to the women who come come here for refuge, clarity and empowerment. They make the long flight or drive desiring a concise and straightforward way of finding their true selves… and in course, their greatest powers and deepest calling. The desire not acceptance so much as a challenging of their imagined limitations and negative self perceptions, the fulfilling of their purpose and potential as women, and as sensory extensions of the the living world.
My partners, Wolf and Loba, had already been working for decades to record the lessons of this ancient place of power and to refine the ancient truths that lie at the center of every usable faith and philosophy. These understandings have come through the hearts of many different peoples, places and times, but they remain essentially unchanged. When I arrived, we began the long work of distilling these teachings into a nature and heart informed, practice and, in reality, a way of life. We began with the goal of giving students and seekers solid ways of increasing awareness, sentience, self-knowledge, response-ability, sense of purpose and wholeness.
From the fertile soil of this place of power and the wisdom of both indigenous and modern peoples, Animá was born. The Latin word for Breath, Spirit, Courage, Animá is the vital force enlivening, animating and connecting all things, and now a set of practical, relevant contemporary tools and practices serving each person’s individual strengths and visions. Animá is a way of creating an enchanted and empowered life. And as a calling to heightened awareness, it teaches us to live life to its fullest. We give each student the knowledge and experience for their personal wholeness and health so that they can best serve the integrity of the whole.
After so many years of hiding my self-doubt and confusion behind a tough and intelligent exterior, it is this celebratory and intense way of life that has allowed me to open up and expose my vulnerable child-like self. And to express myself joyfully even in ways that I think I’m not great at, by singing my love to the canyon or my partner even when I’m embarrassed by the way my voice cracks and breaks and insists upon diving off key. As a perfectionist determined to excel at anything I ever put my mind to, it’s still painfully difficult for me to expose myself as imperfect in any way, but I’ve learned the importance of being fully myself.
I’ve come to take satisfaction in pushing myself beyond what I believe are my limits, excelling outside the comforts of my already known and tested strengths. When I first arrived in the canyon, I was so attached to my identity as a counterculture poet that it was almost impossible for me to let go of my image long enough to learn how to write and express myself in new ways. By applying the assignments of Animá, I learned to stretch my boundaries, and to love myself even when I’m not yet as great as I’d like at what I’m doing. Trailed relentlessly by depression and anxiety, through a practice of honesty and openness I’m now able to express my authentic self without the crutches of alcohol or other addictions. I’ve let the baggage and habits that aren’t me fall away, no longer attached to them. I am able to discern now when and where I typically sabotage myself with my own doubts and insecurities, and actively choose to not fall into my own traps, allowing myself instead to really grow.
One of the hardest but best lessons I’ve learned is how to be fully present and in my body at all times. And to create simple rituals to bring myself back into my body through contact with the earth when I’m feeling ungrounded. My challenge to remain in my body has its origins in a lifetime of struggling with eating disorders and negative body image, but now I’ve learned to love food without deprivation or bingeing. I’ve also found the self-love necessary to be gentle and patient with myself, rather then always pushing to the point of exhaustion and injury. I know now that our bodies are not earthly vessels to transcend, but an integral part of our spirit and self, a sacred temple for expression and enjoyment. And through these understandings I’ve come to truly believe that I am worthy of the love, respect, honor and protection I now receive.
I’ve discovered the power of acting out of my magical nature and greatest purpose rather than out of self-indulgence or some momentary whim. But also, how to indulge myself in a positive way, through intentional pleasure and nurturing, by taking the time to create daily rituals out of walks, yoga and self-care. And most of all, to take joy in each moment as the only now, to live each day as if it my last, and every moment a decisive one.
Finally I have found form and tradition that maximizes my abilities, that challengers, empowers and satisfies me. and I have accepted the job of helping to inspire that in others… inspiring the women I work with to set aside their preconceptions and fears, to explore who they are and what system or tradition, ideas or practices will be the perfect ones for them.
In a riverside grove of dark ridged walnut trees, twining grape vines and pale leaved maples we gather to celebrate in what is a simultaneously fresh and new, and ever so ancient way. For the first time since I was a little girl I am overflowing with real and unflagging joy. It’s the joy of fulfilling a purpose and calling, of cocreating a path that can inform and assist other peoples and practices. Of accepting myself as a beautiful and empowered being, ever more comfortable in my body and needs, a celebrant and guardian of the ways of Animá… serving both the wholeness of self and the integrity of the greater whole, through that form which fits me best.
http://www.bearmedicineherbals.com
http://www.animacenter.org
Categories: Practicing Animá Lifeways
